For Girls Only: Empty

 ³Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.
⁴Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
   are the children of one’s youth.
⁵Blessed is the man
   who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
   when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

My husband and I discussed having children before we even became engaged.   We agreed that birth control would be out of the question.  We are both “strict” Catholics.  I put the strict in quotation marks because it sounds so austere.  But we are not stern and austere people.  We laugh and are playful…  Anyhow, we agreed that we would be happy to accept however many children God gave us.   We were kind of hoping He would give us three, but if He chose to give us up to five, we’d be cool with that.  But after five, we’d be curtailing activities that could lead to such blessings big time.

We thought at the time that we were trusting Him fully.  We thought we were being generous in our faith.  We had no idea at the time that years would go by, and we would not have our little blessing.  Some months my period would be very late.  I remember being in the bathroom at work and finding out I had my period forty-five days late.  I cried.  When I came out of the bathroom, the school secretary asked what was wrong.  I told her.   Bless her, she meant well when she said “You’re young.  Maybe next month…”

We went to see a fertility specialist.  I remember the first of many tests.  Bob and I had no idea the test would be so grueling, that the doctor’s assistant would be doing the test, or that I’d be told results that day.   I had him go to work, and I drove myself.  It was a long drive.  This particular doctor’s hospital was located in a far Western suburb.  My mom insisted on going for the ride with me.  Ironic how I thought she’d be of little help, since she couldn’t walk very far at the time, not even with a walker.  It turned out that I was told then that my tubes were closed.   The only thing that kept me from ramming my car into a barrier on the interstate that day was that Momma was in the car with me.  I did not have it in me to commit matricide just because I was depressed.

I got a call from the doctor the next day.  We still had options.  Long story short, after many different treatments, some painful and others merely uncomfortable, it was determined that the only way I’d be able to conceive is through invitro fertilization.  Even then, it was a long shot.  Just as my Church does not allow birth control, she also doesn’t allow for conception without intercourse.   While this option was very tempting to me, I could not ask my husband to go against his conscience.   My conscience was saying “the heart wants what it wants….”

It’s tough.  I feel like a failure as a wife.  Isn’t it my job to put the “arrows” in his hand?  My dear husband has been wonderful.  I offered him out.  I am not sure about whether infertility is grounds for an annulment, but suggested to him that he should check into it, so that at least he will be able to start over, and have a family.  But Bob insists he’d rather be childless with me, than have three precious little ones with someone else.  He says this is covered by the vow “in sickness and in health”, and that he in no way regrets his marriage vows to me.

Still, I ask God why.  Every time I see on the news that someone has abused or even killed her child, I cry out to Heaven “Do you really think I’d make a worse mom?  Really?”

Healing is slow.  I no longer cry daily over being infertile.  Sometimes, though, it is hard to see the precious little ones line up at Church to leave for the Liturgy of the Word for Children.  Or to watch the News.  Sometimes I still pray for a miracle.  

There is no happy conclusion to this story.   I’m less distraught this year than I was last year, and was better last year than the year before, etc.  But I’m still in the midst of struggling with trusting in God’s will for me and my husband in all things.  I’m sorry that this doesn’t end more neatly.

God bless you.  Thank you for reading my story.

***Bob and I have considered adoption.  We were going through the form filling out process just before my mom got sick.  Now that she passed, lots of forms need redoing.  I also need to clear out her things.  I suspect that the inspector would have a problem with me leaving mom’s room as is.  So these plans are held up a bit once again, but are still part of the plan.

You can find Helen on her website (Random Musings) or on Twitter (cleverly disguised as @Helenatrandom).