Hiding Out

When I was a kid, a Jon Cryer movie was released, by the name of “Hiding Out.” I only vaguely remember it, but the name has stuck with me, probably because, in many ways, it’s my life story. In reality, I’ve spent most of my life trying to blend in, fly under the radar, and not get hurt. I wear neutral colors. I rarely offer my opinion to those outside of my immediate circle of friends. And I try as hard as I can never to rock the boat. Some days, this kind of living doesn’t even feel like really living. And it isn’t. It’s hiding out.

When I started blogging, I was something akin to terrified. My magazine editor made me do it and I thought I would just tell lovely little stories that nobody would notice. I had one friend – Joell – that I knew would read my posts and so I wrote most of my posts from the viewpoint that she was my audience. I told stories that made her smile or that made her think, but I took no risks. I had almost no readers, but I didn’t really care (because I was hiding out). But the bad part was that I wasn’t challenging myself or growing. I was in a rut and I really didn’t care as long as I felt safe.

Then, one day, when I thought nobody was paying attention, I took a risk. Hopeless was the first time I had ever publicly (outside of people I know at church) admitted my battle with depression, shame, and suicide. I was a nervous wreck when I posted it. I remember my hands shaking as I proofread it for the millionth time and then clicked “Publish.” It didn’t feel like it at the time, but I think a battle was won that day.

At first, I thought that to blog, I had to have all of the answers. I knew I didn’t have them. And I still don’t. In fact, I find myself wrestling with the same questions, fighting the same battles, over and over again. The difference is that now, I’m learning that if I come out of hiding, I don’t have to battle alone. And there are others, like me, who need someone to battle with, too. We’re better together.

When I started to figure that out, I started to find my voice. And what I found out is that this girl that doesn’t like to voice dissenting opinions or rock the boat, is actually a pretty passionate advocate. I have a backbone and when I see injustice or cruelty, I’m not afraid to use it!

Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Like I just say the same things over and over again here. Maybe that’s okay. I know that I need to hear the same lessons over and over again to learn them. Maybe I need to tell the same stories over and over again to be heard. So, I guess that’s what I’ll do while I continue to find my way out of hiding… I’ll keep fighting, keep learning, keep growing. And if you find me raising my voice every now and again, just smile and know that the simple fact that I’m doing it means that God’s worked a miracle in my life.

About Sarah Salter

Comments

  1. I think we have certain ‘themes’ in our lives and we spend a lot of time developing those things. I write about the same things over and over but with different stories or analogies, different expressions, or whatever else. I’ve been given a part to play and God will certainly do His part as you and I step out in faith. Good encouragement, Sarah. Thanks.

  2. Sarah Salter says:

    Jason, one of the good things about developing the same themes over and over is that at least we become passionate about them. Or at least, I do. Thanks for coming by! :-)

  3. Kari Norman says:

    Excellent post! I, too, hid out for a long time. Since I was the youngest, I had to make up for all of the wrongs my brother did and be the “good” kid. And so I was. But, in the process, I hid out. I was quiet and didn’t rock the boat, either. I did and said all of the right things – mostly – and tried to make everyone else around me happy. However, by doing that, I was never true to myself. I hid behind the mask that I was given and lived how I was supposed to. It took a very long time to come out from behind that mask and start living my life the way that was best and healthiest for me, not for others. As you know, I have made incredible life changes over the last 2 years. Things, when I was behind the mask, I never thought to do. It’s never easy to be true to yourself, especially when you have always lived life for others. I’m so proud of the strides you have made to come out from hiding. I know it hasn’t always been easy and I know it still scares you to death sometimes, but the more you move into life, rather than hide from it, the stronger you become. Keep moving, Sarah…I can’t wait to see the real you!!! Love you!

  4. Sarah Salter says:

    Thank you, Kari! Thanks for coming by and for sharing your heart. Love you!

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