Have you ever loved somebody so much that you made a mess of things?
I’ve done that a lot. I’ve pushed too hard or pulled too fast or spoken too loudly.
Several years ago, I had a friend who was flirting pretty hard with drugs. Every time I talked to him, he told me about the latest party or the last substance he had experimented with. I watched him party harder and harder, often taking big, scary risks, and taking others with him as he did. I loved him so much and I was terrified that he was going to kill himself or do irreparable damage to his life. And so after much crying and agonizing, I decided that we needed to stage an intervention. The intervention seemed to work—for about two weeks. At the end of that two weeks, he disappeared, moving hundreds of miles away to live with a drug dealer.
I pushed too hard. I pulled too fast. I spoke too loudly. And I made a mess.
I wish I were more like God.
My former roommate Rick has been known to say, “God loves me just the way I am, but he loves me too much to leave me that way.” I’m so glad that’s true! I could protest and say that I really like who I am, and while that’s true on some levels, deep down, I know that I really need work. I need to become the best Sarah that I can be, and if I try to do it myself, I’m just going to mess it up.
When I was working daycare, we had a girl named Kami who didn’t like her eyebrows. I know that sounds funny to me and you, but she really didn’t like her eyebrows, and so one night, she slipped into her Mom’s bathroom and stole the bottle of Nair. A little bit later, her Mom noticed that Kami had gotten a little too quiet and went to check on her. Using the Nair, Kami had completely burned her eyebrows off. (Do you realize how close those chemicals were to that child’s eyes?!)
I’m a lot like Kami. I get it into my mind that I want to change something about me and the next thing I know, I’m running around with no eyebrows. So to speak.
When I want my eyebrows shaped, I go to a professional cosmetologist who knows exactly how to shape them properly—and safely. They know what they’re doing, and I don’t. So, I go put myself into their hands. Why is it that I find it easy to do that when it comes to my eyebrows, but so hard when it comes to my heart?
I can answer that! It’s because it’s scary to be out of control. What I’ve learned in my almost-thirty-five years is that when God fixes me, he doesn’t do it quietly or gently. When he fixes me, it usually includes allowing me to get lost at sea, in a storm, and then beaten on a rock. God’s not capricious, and he doesn’t enjoy seeing me suffer, but because he loves me and he knows where I need to be shaped, he allows difficult tests to come, knowing that they will make me better and stronger on the other side. And for someone who likes to be in control and who doesn’t like pain, that’s scary. But as someone who wants to be stronger and better—the best Sarah I can be—it’s necessary. The thing I have to remind myself is that even the storms I’m passing through are made out of God’s love—his “furious longing.” And in the end, it’s going to be that friction that makes me come out alive and shining.
Brennan Manning says, “My life has been a life lived in God’s furious longing. And I have learned to pray.”
This post is the first installment of our book discussion on Brennan Manning’s book “The Furious Longing of God.” You don’t have to read the book to take part in the chat! Feel free to leave a comment. If you have written a response to this chapter, please link it up at the widget below. And when you get a chance, run by my co-facilitator, Jason Stasyszen’s place, and see what he has to say.
About Sarah Salter
It is scary to be out of control! I struggle so much with that too and I can myself doing the same thing as Kami. I bleached my hair once. I’m a redhead. I don’t have red hair anymore. Oh the foolish things we do when we rely on ourselves and don’t trust God! Thankfully he furiously pursues us and does not count our sins against us.
Thanks again for hosting, Sarah! Looking forward to a great discussion.
I like these sentences: “When he fixes me, it usually includes allowing me to get lost at sea, in a storm, and then beaten on a rock. God’s not capricious, and he doesn’t enjoy seeing me suffer, but because he loves me and he knows where I need to be shaped, he allows difficult tests to come, knowing that they will make me better and stronger on the other side. ”
I wish God would just take away immediately the stuff I want to change about myself. If there was only a magic wand that would get rid of it. Instead I have to go through all the efforts God makes me go through while knowing it’s not my effort alone, but God working powerfully in me.
Oh Sarah….so true this post. He will be working on me until I take my last breath, but I thank Him for it, even though I wish I had the same magic wand as you and He could change me right now. And I can really identify with the eyebrow story. I thought mine were too bushy growing up so I shaved them off even though my Mom warned me not to! Love you, love your honesty! Lori
Frank, thanks for coming by and sharing! Isn’t it amazing the CHANGES we make to ourselves in the attempt to stay in control and not let God change us?
Thomas, I’ve joked before that I want God to do “Fonzie-style” work in me before… You remember on Happy Days how Fonzie would walk in a room, snap his fingers, and things would happen? Well, okay, God, snap your fingers and fix this! But it doesn’t work that way.
Thanks for joining us, Thomas!
Lori, isn’t it good to know that the scary things we go through, we don’t go through alone? None of us has “arrived” and we all have to endure change and refining. And I think all of us goes through the phase of not liking something about ourselves, trying to change it, and really making a mess!
Thanks, Lori!
Great illustrations. We don’t like that feeling of not being in control, but then like your friend with the drugs, we look for ways to feel out of control and “in the moment.” We are funny creatures, but funny creatures that God loves desperately and He gives us the opportunity to meet Him and experience that amazing love. Thanks Sarah.
Sarah, Your wisdom and love for others always inspires me. I really “get” the eyebrow story. I’ve nearly wrecked a lot of things because of my efforts to “fix.” Grateful for your words here.
Jennifer, I’m very much like my namesake, thinking that God needs help. He doesn’t. And I’m so glad He is well able to fix my messes! Thanks for coming by!