Step By Step

A lot of people seem to think I have a lot of answers, but the truth is that I really, really don’t. Actually, I’m kind of a mess. In my life, I’ve been abused and I’ve been an abuser. I’ve been manipulated and I’ve been a manipulator. I’ve been selfish and I’ve also been selfishly used up and tossed aside. I’ve been both molested and raped, hit, kicked, bitten, and spit upon. I’ve been screamed at, sworn at, cursed, and had doors slammed in my face and rugs pulled out from under me. I’ve been told I’m a bother, a nuisance, and an inconvenience. That I’m fat, ugly, and dumb. And that I’m “the kind of girl that guys don’t date.” I’ve been unequipped, unqualified, and unworthy. I’ve felt unredeemable – like the glass bottle in the bottom of the ditch that is so full of trash and dirt and is so faded and beaten up, that if you dug it out and returned it to the store, you wouldn’t even get your nickel back for it.

All of my life, I’ve tried to shine and polish myself. Tried to make myself redeemable and acceptable and loveable. I’ve tried to say the right things and do the right things and avoid making mistakes or upsetting people. I’ve made it my mission to make everybody happy because I’ve believed that if I was good enough that I could be loved. But really, all of my work has been shoddy and useless. And I’ve run myself into the ground over and over again to, at the end of the day, realize that I’m just as messed up and banged up at the end of the day as I was at the beginning.

The late Rich Mullins said, “God takes the junk of our lives and He makes the greatest art in the world out of it.”

So, yes, there is hope for me.

But I don’t always understand the process I’m going through to get there and to become art.

The thing is – I don’t have to understand. I just have to keep walking and keep handing Him my junk.

One of my favorite Psalms, paraphrased, says, “He will make me complete, if I first give Him the pieces.”

Today, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I give Him another piece of me, believing that one day, He will have put me back together.

And just when you thought I wasn’t going to mention the book we’re discussing… The quote that inspired this post is this: “Consider Abraham, who was told to pack up his family and all his possessions and start walking. He didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t know if he would ever be back.” – Francis Chan

I don’t know where I’m going either. But I know that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, step by step, I’ll get to where I’m supposed to be.

This post is part of a weekly book discussion on Francis Chan’s book, “Forgotten God.” You don’t have to read the book to chat with us! But if you did write a response to this week’s chapter, run over to my co-facilitator, Jason’s place, and link up at the widget.